What really happened during the Queen’s Speech?

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It was Queen’s Speech day, and as Black Rod processed into the Commons, the traditional door slamming and banging commenced with its usual seriousness. After the racket had died out, Dennis Skinner followed tradition by striking up a lonely tune on a rusty shortbread banjo, as the Cabinet, dressed in ceremonial ankle bracelets and ‘DENCH’ t-shirts, Morris-danced their way into the House of Lords. There, clad in full ceremonial swimming trunks, were the members of the House of Lords.

Clare Balding - “Good morning and welcome to this, the shortest ever Queen’s Speech. We’ll be giving you some bland accompanying waffle, and of course the usual pictures of horses galloping in circles. In the meantime, here she comes, at 4,000/1 to be the next Queen, Camilla. Behind her, the favourite today, at ‘Obviously going to be next Queen,’ the Duchess of Cambridge, Catherine. William at her side there. We saw him earlier with his helicopter.”

Clare Balding – “He loves that helicopter. But now the race - er, speech, will begin. Here she comes…”

[Enter Colin Firth, dressed as Elizabeth II.]

[Queen Colin draws himself up to her full height, and, glancing at the round figures before her/him, says]

My Lords and m…. members of the Commons.

M…… my government will work to promote a fairer society that rewards people who work hard.

[David Cameron whispers something to George Osborne. Both snicker.]

Thank you very much! I’ve been the Queen, and you’ve been a brilliant audience. I’m here all week. Ed Balls.”

Miliband – “Goodness, that was short, wasn’t it? Well I think-”

Her Majesty – “OI! SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

[Helen Mirren is bundled out of the room. Lord Sugar intervenes to protect her, throwing a punch at one of the guards.]

Lord Sugar– “You’re fired, and YOU’RE fired, and you’re fucking FIRED!”

[Their muffled cries die away.]

Philip - “Thank God for that, I’m desperate for a widdle! Right, come on crumpet, we’re off.”

Prince Phillip and Her Majesty process out of the House of Lords, followed by their attendants and pageboys.


Clare Balding – “There they go! Setting off from the Houses of Parliament at a gentle trot, rounding the first corner, still going at quite a gentle trot…

Huw Edwards – “Lovely. Just so supple and gleaming.”

Clare Balding – “They are wonderfully bred horses.”

Huw Edwards – “Yeah, I could eat a whole one!”

[Edwards lunges towards the screen, salivating furiously. Balding leaps to the aid of the horses, camera cuts away.]

Warning: Most of this article might have been made up.

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