Help to fight the Vaz: A national charity appeal

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I went to see my psychiatrist the other day. I had been increasingly worried about hallucinations I have been having over the past few months. I’ve been seeing Keith Vaz, the MP for Leicester East. Everywhere. In trouble, in triumph, pictures of him are all over the internet like Justin Beiber’s bum. This time he’s alleged to be in trouble regarding suspicious donations amounting to 500,000 smackeroons! The psychiatrist could offer me no help. There are no disorders that include seeing the same MP everywhere in their symptoms. He could find no evidence to corroborate my theory that they were hallucinations.

I can only conclude, therefore, that there is more than one of him.

I just can’t understand it. Teams of Vaz (plural of Vaz) are in every city, every local and national paper. They control Home Affairs Select Committees, Westminster Constituencies, and, for all I know, probably the weather. The Vaz are all-powerful, and a threat to our very existence, yet nobody is frightened. I have tried contacting the MoD, MI5, MI6, GCHQ and the Wombles advice line, but it was no use. Nobody had any idea how I could combat this gravest of threats. Meanwhile the Vaz had called Russell Brand to advise MPs on drugs policy, milking the event for all it was worth. Who knows what the aim of their nefarious campaign is. Aside from making Keith Vaz richer and more famous of course.

What I really can’t understand though, is how they have been able to infiltrate society so far and so wide. Aside from being party hacks, shameless self-publicists and MPs in absentia for some rather safe Leicester East constituencies, what else does one of the Vaz have going for him?

How do scores of charmless 55 year-old solicitors end up becoming MPs? It’s not like they have any special skills. Yes, their gaze can melt geese, and they do a great impression of the Mandelson smile (a meticulously calculated hybrid of Myra Hindley and Joseph Goebbels), but what else can they do?

They can switch between their usual clipped parliamentary tones to a really good “What, me Guv?” as soon as Police are involved in any investigation. Some day though, something might be uncovered that they can’t explain away, and we might be freed from this tyranny (goodness, Kettle’s lawyers are going to have a field day on this article… well, either them or Carter-Ruck).

The other reason I can deduce the presence of multiple Vaz is that the number of scandals that have been associated with the name could not be ridden out by a single man. His position would become untenable and resignation would follow, unless he was an extremely twisted and cynical creature indeed. With so many Vaz around though, this isn’t a problem.

They have been censured by parliamentary standards officials multiple times for various dodgy dealings and donations scandals, and I’m getting tired of them getting away with it. It is for this reason that I have founded a new national organisation to coordinate the fight against the Vaz, the ‘Unseat The Vaz Association’ (UTVA).

Join us today and we will fight for justice for all. Let’s get rid of the Vaz and clean up British politics. Individually we are weak, but collectively we are strong. Strong enough to fight the Vaz and to give them a damn good … ‘Vazectomy’?

Call now. 12345 678 910

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Hi, I'm a gap yearing future politics student from Oxford.

I write sketches, blog, and contribute to a number of other magazines, including The Student Journals, ChooseYourStance, FreshLinkMedia, and SQ Magazine.

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